Remembering.

Three years ago today, I was made painfully aware that my life wasn't all tied up in a pretty, neat little box. Until then, I had gone about my life relatively carefree (at least, so I thought). Not that everything was perfect. But in general, I thought my family, and I individually, had everything pretty much together. And when feelings of doubt or unease crept in and threatened that positive image, I would ignore them.

But suddenly I couldn't ignore them anymore. I went to bed one night with the "happy family" image secure in my mind, and woke up the next morning to find that image shattered and destroyed. I couldn't ignore the pain and dysfunction anymore: they were exposed and shoved in my face pretty violently.

The three years since then have been more painful than anything I could ever have imagined. I watched my parents' relationship fall apart. I watched it slowly begin to mend. And then I watched it fall apart again. I watched family members struggle with serious health issues. I watched my parents divorce, my siblings cry because they hadn't seen their dad in over a year, my mom learn to be single, and my dad deal with his pain. I watched my mom and siblings move across the country. And eventually, somewhere in all that time, I watched myself break and struggle with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, and a hundred other things.

I say I "watched" all of these things, and a lot of the time it did seem like I was watching someone else's life play out in front of me. But it was more like these things happened to me, impacting me, slapping me in the face, violently dragging me on through life. And sometimes I added to the chaos.

And yet I wouldn't trade these past three years for anything. Yes, I wish my parents were still together. Yes, I wish I didn't have to deal with the emotional pain and trauma every single day of my life, and watch others deal with it. But in those years, I have experienced more joy and happiness and peace, more pain and grief and anger, and more contentment and faith and hope then I had ever dreamed possible. I have grown and learned and been humbled in ways I would never have been otherwise. Deeply rooted dysfunction and pain that had been present in my family for years was uncovered, and we finally began to deal with it. And I am so incredibly grateful for that.

I am in awe of how God uses pain, brokenness, and sin and makes something beautiful out of it. If you had told me a year ago that all the horrible things that had happened would someday seem beautiful and worth it, I might have slapped you in the face and I certainly wouldn't have believed you. But looking back now, I see God's hand in everything.

I still hurt. My heart aches every day with sadness, grief, and pain. There are times when I almost want to trade all the lessons I learned just to have a family that's not broken, or just to be "normal." But ultimately, I am incredibly grateful for what I've learned and how God has worked in my life and the lives of those around me. So incredibly grateful.

Today is day of remembering. Painful, yes. But for the first time, today makes me thankful and joyful too. And that completely blows me away.

"We know that all things work together for good for them that love God, for them who are called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

Love,
Amanda