I’ll show you my heart but it’s not pretty.

I’ve been trying to understand my heart, its defenses and masks, its motives and desires,

Trying to decide if pain has shut it off and made it cold,

Or if pain has broken and bruised my heart so much,

That I love the wrong people too much in a desperate attempt to heal.

I tried to be heartless, to not give a fuck, to inspire love and take and use and destroy without feeling a thing. 

I’m cynical and I say I don’t believe in love.

I say I don't care.

I’d die before I’d admit that any man had the power to hurt me.

But in reality I'm broken inside. 

My heart has been broken in so many ways, I still feel the ragged pieces, cutting through me from inside. 

So many fucked up things have been done to me in the name of "love", I don't even know what love is anymore. 

I poured out my love to so many people, desperately trying to find someone who would love me back, but I never did. 

I never did because I was looking for love to fix my brokenness, to put the pieces of me back together.

I was looking for something that would take away the pain and validate my love. 

I loved selfishly. 

But I don’t need anyone else’s love to heal me, no one else can make me whole. 

I am loving myself, and my love is enough. 

I may still be broken, I may still have ragged edges, but that’s ok, and once my love is enough, I can love others without needing them to fill me. 

I can love fearlessly, because even though I might get hurt, I will never be destroyed by another person as long as my confidence, worth, peace, and love come from within. 

So yes, I've been hurt, yes I've been weak, yes I've been desperate and needy. 

I'm not pretending I don't have a heart anymore. 

I have a heart and it’s not perfect, it’s not pretty, 
It has its shadows and faults, bruises and weaknesses.

But it’s going to love selflessly and fearlessly, and find out what true love really is.

When we become experts at ignoring reality...

                                 


It’s so easy to pretend like we don’t know what’s going on in the world. It’s so easy to distance ourselves from other people’s pain. It’s so easy to shift blame and responsibility onto someone else.

It’s so easy for this country to see pictures of starving children in third world countries and then go right back to throwing away a third of our food. It’s so easy to say we love animals and get upset about abandoned puppies and then turn around and eat meat from an innocent animal that was slaughtered more horribly than we could imagine. It’s so easy to ignore the fact that sex trafficking isn’t just an issue in Thailand and India, but that girls are getting used, abused, and killed right here in our cities and towns and neighborhoods.

Most of us our so comfortable and sheltered from the raw harsh reality of the world around us that even when we catch a glimpse of it we want to pretend it’s not there. Or we post some heated words on facebook or donate to a charity and think we’ve done our part and can move on and forget about it.

I have been on the other side. I have been the less-than-human junkie living on the street that everyone wanted to ignore. No one wanted my pain and brokenness to intrude on their safe, happy little world. And that’s just the problem: our society has created two worlds. One is the world we see portrayed in Hollywood, the white picket fence, successful businessman, American dream world where everyone complains about everything while even the poorest of them have more money, food, and luxuries than the rest of the population combined.

The other world is the underbelly, the world that exists in rotting trap houses and dark alleyways, the world where stability and safety are non-existent, the world where basic human rights are violated daily. The world where having a roof over your head is a luxury and food for the day is a blessing. The world where you can’t trust anyone, not even the police, and every day is a fight for survival.

We seem to think we could fix things by pulling everyone from the second world into the first world. But what we fail to see is that there are not two worlds. We are all part of the same world. We are all human beings. The CEO is no different than the homeless man outside his office building, and just a few adverse life circumstances could land him in the exact same position. By ignoring this and ignoring the blatant corruption and suffering around us, we are actively contributing to the problem. The person who stands by and watches abuse happen is just as guilty as the abuser.

Change starts with you. Change starts when you begin to see people and treat people differently. Change starts when you stop projecting what you want reality to be onto everything around you and become willing to see the world as it truly is. Change starts when you stop numbing and desensitizing yourself to the cruelty and suffering of others and begin to have compassion for every living thing.

Change starts when you stop thinking that what you do or don’t do doesn’t make a difference and you start taking responsibility for how your actions affect everyone and everything around you. Change starts when you stop living for your own comfort and start thinking of others. Change starts when you stop assuming someone else will do something someday and you become that someone who is doing something right now.

All the things I wish I could tell you.

     There burns inside of me a light and energy that I wanted so badly to translate into words so I could share it with others. I get so excited by the things I’m learning and so awestruck by the things I’ve seen that I want to shout them from the rooftops and tell the whole world what an incredible universe we’re living in. I am so grateful to have been awoken from the nightmare of half-consciousness I was living in that I want to wake everyone else up. My joy and excitement about existence is overflowing and I don’t want to experience it by myself.

     I want to be able to paint a picture of the world, a picture of life, that’s as vibrant and mind-blowing and intricately simple as I feel it to be. I want to be able to tell people things in a way that will make them understand it in their heart. To tell them that everything happens for a reason and for them to be filled with the same peace and confidence I get from knowing that. To tell them that they are perfectly loved and nothing they do can change that, and for them to then stop living in fear of rules and of making a mistake. To tell them that there is so much more to this world than what they experience with their five senses, and for their consciousness to be expanded to experience the great spectrum of existence. To tell them that we make life much more difficult and complicated than it has to be, and for them to see how simple are the natural laws of attraction and karma.

     I want to tell them that we exist so far beyond this life and for them to stop living for momentary satisfaction but do the things that will benefit them long-term.

     I wish I could show them how meaningless are money, power, careers, social status, and material possessions, and that the meaning of life is to spread love and hope and truth. I wish I could explain that everything is energy, that happiness is a choice, that suffering is our greatest spiritual teacher, that time and space are an illusion, that we are the universe discovering itself. I wish I had the words to express the beauty I find in pain and darkness, the perfection of the plan being unfolded, the timelessness of the story we are telling with our lives.

     I long to find a way to communicate the fire that woke me up. I want to wake everyone up out of the fog of fear and suffering. I want to verbalize the Truth.

     But I can’t. I can’t wake up anyone who is not ready to wake up, I can’t make anyone see what they are not ready to see. It took experiencing darkness for me to find the light. And I would be arrogant to think that I can verbalize Truth and wake others when I am still waking up myself. I have barely begun to crack open the book of all there is to know. I am still learning and I just want to learn alongside others. All I can do is speak my heart through both words and actions, and people will understand or they won’t.

     In any case, perhaps some things are not meant to be spoken, at least not by me. Some things can only be felt. Some things we just know and understand although we can’t speak about them.

     Everyone is on their own path of learning and the teacher is experience. Experience lets us feel those things we cannot speak, the things we cannot learn from a book or by someone else telling us.

     So all I can say is embrace experience. Experience as much as you can. In time we learn to listen to that voice inside of us that doesn’t have to use words to convey Truth. Listen. Learn. Ask questions. Pay attention.

     There is so much out there to discover. Seek and you shall find. Open your heart and mind and let yourself be swept away by the whirlwind of experience.

Nobody.

“I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.” (elephantjournal)

   I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to other people and feeling inferior. I get insecure and lonely and want someone to give me attention and tell me I’m good enough. But I’m not brave enough to be myself and ask for what I want. I’m quiet, reserved, and generally come across as independent (I don’t want anyone to think I need them). So when I see other people who are louder, more confident, or needier, getting attention, I start thinking that maybe I need to change. Maybe if I was more like this person I would have guys asking me out on dates, or if I was more like that person I would always get what I want. I start to feel overshadowed, outshone, by everyone around me. I must have to burn brighter, louder, hotter, than everyone to get that attention and affirmation.

   But how incredibly shallow is that. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve felt that way. But I think everyone has been there at some point, and I can’t move past it unless I talk about it.

   I can tell you that true connection is so much more than just the physical and surface level interactions, and the right people will appreciate you for exactly who you are. But ultimately we don’t need anyone to appreciate us to be perfectly ok with who we are.

   I am learning to be alone and be ok with that, knowing that all the love and affirmation I need comes from someplace within me, not from without. I am learning to be truly independent and not care what people think. I am learning to be my true self and not put on masks or try to be anything I’m not. I am learning to have the courage to be an “absolute nobody”: I will be myself and not give a shit if I’m a somebody or a nobody to anyone.

“Stop judging and evaluating yourself, for this is not your role. Above all stop comparing yourself with other people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority, sometimes a mixture of both. [God] leads [His] children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong; it is also meaningless. Don’t look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is [God’s] unconditional Love.”

(Jesus Calling)

   Have respect and appreciation for who you are, for who God created you to be. You wouldn’t be here if the Universe didn’t need you. It needs you to be fundamentally, unapologetically you. Let go of fear and judgments and preconceived ideas of who you should be. Be openminded. Take the time to be alone and discover who you truly are. Relax. Exist. 

Freedom.

I’ve always gone it alone,
It’s just easier that way,
And safer because people
Had always betrayed.
I was tired of being weak,
Of the lies and abuse,
I couldn’t stand up for myself
And people put that to use.
So with stone cold walls
I surrounded my heart,
If no one could get in
They couldn’t tear me apart.
I was constantly running,
Never stayed in one place,
Had to get somewhere new
And old memories erase.
Couldn’t risk getting attached,
I’d been hurt so much before,
After too many breaks,
The heart can’t take any more.

But I’d built myself a prison,
Locked myself in a cage,
With walls of self-pity,
Arrogance, and rage.
I was drowning in pain,
Under wave after wave,
The water kept rising,
It made me its slave.
I couldn’t get out
So I turned inward instead,
I destroyed myself
To stop the agony in my head.
I ran away to the streets,
Shot dope to forget,
But the misery now
Was the worst I’d felt yet.
I tore myself apart,
The only way I could cope,
I hurled myself gladly
Down that slippery slope.
I was totally alone,
No one else caused me pain,
I’d reached my goal,
And I was going insane.
Still locked in my prison,
I thought I was free,
But the worst kind of cage
Is the one you can’t see.

But God opened my eyes,
Sprung the lock on my cell,
Reached down and grabbed me
From the dark depths of Hell.
A train off its tracks
Is free in a way,
But can’t go anywhere,
In one place it stays.
I realized true freedom
Is not running away,
From God, from karma,
And just making my own way.
True freedom is found
When I stop fighting control,
And follow my gut,
Body, mind, and soul.
No one else can take
Away all my pain,
No one else can hurt me
Or make me truly happy again.
External factors
No longer control things,
My peace and my strength
Come from just being.

An Addict's Mind

Anyone who says recovery is easy is lying. It's the hardest fucking thing in the world. Every single day I fight to stay sober, and some days it's easy, but some days I go to sleep with a heart so bruised and bleeding from the fight that I'm ready to give up and get high. Because at least when I'm high I don't have to feel the pain, right?

I haven't written poetry in a very long time, but now seemed like a good time to start again. These are the thoughts that go through my head, the lies and hard truths I tell myself, and a reminder of what will happen, what I'll lose, if I don't stay sober.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve got a war in my mind,
A war that’s all too familiar,
To the broken, the addicted, the self-destructed failures,
Between what we know is good
What they say will make us happy,
Will materialize that phantom we call serenity,
And what we know will break our hearts
Make the mind, soul, body helpless,
Claw us back into chaos and artificial bliss.
On one side a life of joy and peace,
On the other darkness, pain, fear,
Ask any sane person and the answer is clear.

But therein lies the problem,
I’m fucking insane,
There’s nothing normal, nothing logical about my brain.
I don’t want peace and safety,
Pain and struggle are my addiction,
I choose and accept self-inflicted damnation.
I will not limit my experience,
Confined to the straight and narrow,
Give me darkness, suffering, the Devil of the Tarot.
I grow through heartbreak,
The struggle makes me strong,
My life is made richer by everything that’s wrong.

But this passion for adventure,
This nomadic untamed soul,
This love for everything that is lost and unwhole,
Fearlessness born of experience,
Paradoxical addiction to freedom,
Reckless and confident through whatever may come,
If this nature runs rampant,
If I let myself go,
I eventually fly too high, burn like Icarus, implode,
In a million jagged pieces,
I break myself beyond repair,
All in the name of trying to understand and care,
For a city that won’t be loved,
But takes a true loving heart,
And sucks out the life, rips its soul apart.

These vampires of time and memory,
That hunt the kind and naive,
Seduce, then maim and ruin, anything alive,
Instead of helping
Or fixing the people I love,
I give in to the chaos, from below or above.
I become a victim,
Powerless in the hand,
Of manipulative forces I didn’t understand,
That whispered in my ear,
And promised relief from the pain,
By pouring crystal poison into vein after vein.
To these angels of darkness,
I offer myself willingly,
Thinking somehow I’ll be justified eventually.
A sacrifice that killed herself,
With a needle full of demons,
Made a deal with the devil: my soul for experience.

Something more.

It's so easy to get caught up in the small stories in your life. It's so easy to focus on school, a career, health, social life, or relationships. But what good are any of those things if their foundation and the foundation of your entire life isn't God?

Don't get me wrong, all of those can be important parts of the story of your life and are not bad things at all. But ultimately, they don't fulfill you. They don't define you. And they don't last. They're small stories that can be part of the bigger story.

I've been realizing lately how radically different my life could be if I stopped focusing on the smaller stories and smaller goals and instead lived completely for God. How different my life would be if I let God's love consume me and flow through me into everything that I do. My life should not be compartmentalized into school, work, friends, and God. God should be my entire life. Everything else comes second to him.

If I truly trust God and believes that He loves me, then I can live my life completely unafraid and with absolute freedom. I don't have to focus on getting good grades in school so I can get a well-paying job so I can make lots of money so I can try to feel safe and happy and worth something, which is basically what America tells us we need to do. Instead of getting distracted by all of the smaller things, I can focus on God's will for my life. And that very well may mean becoming a millionaire or having a successful career, or it may mean moving to the slums of a third-world country to enter into the lives of suffering people, or it may mean raising three kids in quiet suburbia. What matters isn't what job I have or where I live. What matters is what drives me. If my goal in life is to be "successful" by the world's standards, or happy, or popular, or beautiful, or married, or smart, then I'm missing the bigger picture.

You don't put God in a box in a corner. He is the all-consuming, overflowing, overwhelming, defining center of everything. Imagine how overpowering love would be, how intense passion would be, how boundless joy would be, how beautiful pain and suffering would be, if we let God completely take over our lives.

It's so easy to get distracted by trying to be happy in this world before we die and forget that we're made for something more. Our stories are so much bigger. And I want to live a life that reflects that. I don't want to get caught up in the small things. I want to live with God at the center of everything I do. I want to live freely, unafraid, and unashamed. I want to live loudly, boldly, joyfully, passionately. I want to live openly, lovingly, compassionately. I want to live and die knowing that my life glorified God. Because ultimately, He's all that matters.

"To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6

Love,
Amanda

Remembering.

Three years ago today, I was made painfully aware that my life wasn't all tied up in a pretty, neat little box. Until then, I had gone about my life relatively carefree (at least, so I thought). Not that everything was perfect. But in general, I thought my family, and I individually, had everything pretty much together. And when feelings of doubt or unease crept in and threatened that positive image, I would ignore them.

But suddenly I couldn't ignore them anymore. I went to bed one night with the "happy family" image secure in my mind, and woke up the next morning to find that image shattered and destroyed. I couldn't ignore the pain and dysfunction anymore: they were exposed and shoved in my face pretty violently.

The three years since then have been more painful than anything I could ever have imagined. I watched my parents' relationship fall apart. I watched it slowly begin to mend. And then I watched it fall apart again. I watched family members struggle with serious health issues. I watched my parents divorce, my siblings cry because they hadn't seen their dad in over a year, my mom learn to be single, and my dad deal with his pain. I watched my mom and siblings move across the country. And eventually, somewhere in all that time, I watched myself break and struggle with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, and a hundred other things.

I say I "watched" all of these things, and a lot of the time it did seem like I was watching someone else's life play out in front of me. But it was more like these things happened to me, impacting me, slapping me in the face, violently dragging me on through life. And sometimes I added to the chaos.

And yet I wouldn't trade these past three years for anything. Yes, I wish my parents were still together. Yes, I wish I didn't have to deal with the emotional pain and trauma every single day of my life, and watch others deal with it. But in those years, I have experienced more joy and happiness and peace, more pain and grief and anger, and more contentment and faith and hope then I had ever dreamed possible. I have grown and learned and been humbled in ways I would never have been otherwise. Deeply rooted dysfunction and pain that had been present in my family for years was uncovered, and we finally began to deal with it. And I am so incredibly grateful for that.

I am in awe of how God uses pain, brokenness, and sin and makes something beautiful out of it. If you had told me a year ago that all the horrible things that had happened would someday seem beautiful and worth it, I might have slapped you in the face and I certainly wouldn't have believed you. But looking back now, I see God's hand in everything.

I still hurt. My heart aches every day with sadness, grief, and pain. There are times when I almost want to trade all the lessons I learned just to have a family that's not broken, or just to be "normal." But ultimately, I am incredibly grateful for what I've learned and how God has worked in my life and the lives of those around me. So incredibly grateful.

Today is day of remembering. Painful, yes. But for the first time, today makes me thankful and joyful too. And that completely blows me away.

"We know that all things work together for good for them that love God, for them who are called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

Love,
Amanda

Peace.

Sometimes I am completely blown away by how blessed I am.

I tend to be a bit of a pessimist and focus on the hard, painful things in my life, and the times I feel sad, hurt, angry, lost, or confused. I realized recently that there haven't been many times in the past few years (or maybe in my entire life) that I have truly felt peace and joy. Yes, I can plaster on a cheerful face, and obviously there have been lots of times when I've been happy. But that overwhelming feeling of peace and security has not been present very often.

Recently, however, I've been realizing just how incredible God is and just how much he has blessed me. Yes, I'm still a pessimistic a lot. But I'm learning to feel the peace and thankfulness along with the other things. I have never felt this loved and secure. Even though there are things in my life right now that are terrifying and that I'm not in control of, and difficult decisions to make, and past and present pain and hurt to deal with, I feel at peace. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel the pain and don't feel scared and stressed. Just today, as I am writing this, I received a letter that reminded me I have a really hard decision to make, and I had a conversation that left me hurting and confused. But those feelings aren't so utterly consuming anymore. I can acknowledge that they're there and are very real and legitimate, but not let them block out the good things in my life.

Even amidst pain or stress, there's an underlying peace. I am truly joyful. I have been been thanking God for the blessings in my life, not because it's part of some prayer checklist or because I think I should be thankful, but because my heart is bursting with thankfulness. I'm blown away by how much God loves me and has blessed me.

I'm learning to focus more on the good. I'm letting myself feel God's peace. And it's wonderful.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." ~ John 14:27

Love,
Amanda

Becoming a Moses.

Recently I've been reading a book by a family friend, Chuck DeGroat, called Leaving Egypt: Finding God in the Wilderness Places. I would highly recommend it; it's an incredible book that uses the Exodus story as an analogy for our lives and the struggles we face. But one theme in particular struck a chord with me. Chuck talks about challenging people, and having people in your life that are willing to be honest with you and say what you need to hear. He calls this kind of person a "Moses" in your life, and he says that they can challenge us "with a vision for life beyond my brokenness" and "to become a unique image of God."

After reading this, and through a few conversations with different people, I'm realizing that I need more challenging in my life. I need to be more active about letting others know that I am open to being challenged, and then have an open, humble mind when I am challenged. I also need to be more willing to challenge other people.

I need to be more open to being challenged by others, and make it clear that I am open to it. I am a proud person, and when people point out my flaws and mistakes, my first instinct is to get defensive and present myself in a better light. But I really do want to people to challenge me and tell me when I'm in error.  There are blind spots in my life that are painfully obvious to other people, but that I am blissfully unaware of, or unwilling to face. So to anyone reading this, know that I am open to being challenged and actually would really appreciate it. And I am working on receiving criticism and hard truths with humility and an open mind.

I also need to challenge others more than I do, and with a better mindset. A lot of the time, I'm too scared to challenge someone when I see them doing or thinking something wrong or harmful. I'm scared that they will respond with anger or hurt, and not want to be friends with me anymore. But this is a selfish fear. If what I'm doing is really done with wisdom and love, and will help someone live a more godly life or open their eyes to something they need to be made aware of, then I need to put them first. If I really loved them, I would do what was best for them, rather than holding back just to protect myself.

I'm also scared that I don't have the wisdom to tell someone what they need to hear, and that I'll do more harm than good. This is probably a healthier fear to have, because I obviously don't know everything and could potentially do serious damage and really hurt people by speaking what I mistakenly think is the truth. But again, if I sincerely love the person I am challenging, want what's best for them, and seek God's wisdom constantly, then I have to trust that God can use me to say what needs to be said.

A challenger will not be focused on pointing out flaws or getting rid of the bad in a person's life. Going back to Chuck's words about a "Moses" figure, the best challenger is one that seeks to bring the other person to a healthier place, a place more in line with God's will for their life. I need to keep this in mind as I challenge others, and I hope that my friends will keep it in mind when they challenge me.

This is the type of community I want to have. A challenging, thoughtful, loving community that always seeks to help each other lead lives more in line with God's word. A community that isn't afraid to speak the truth in love. A community that is willing to listen to others with humility. A community that is open about their flaws and addictions and hardships and is confident in receiving honest, godly feedback and love from those around them.

I hope that someday God can use me to be a Moses in someone's life, and I hope that others feel the freedom to be a Moses in my life.

Love,
Amanda