Vast and brilliant.

"Don't be delicate. Be vast and brilliant."

I read this quote, and it stirs something inside of me. I feel incredibly weak, and incredibly empowered.

First of all, I don't think that being delicate is a bad thing. Actually, I think that being delicate can sometimes be good and healthy. Sometimes it's good to acknowledge our weakness and helplessness, and seek help from God or those around us. We can't always be strong. And sometimes we are just physically or emotionally delicate and that's who we are; it's not wrong.

But to me, this quote doesn't mean that kind of physical delicacy or healthy weakness. It's talking about unhealthy delicacy and weakness. It's telling me to not be held back by fear or sensitivity. I tend to be extra sensitive to other people's opinions and feelings, and let what they think of me or say to me affect me more than it should. My mood, mental state, feelings, and opinion of myself depend way too much on other people. I also live with a lot of constant fear and anxiety. I'm afraid of the future, afraid of being hurt, anxious about relationships with others, anxious about other people's mental or emotional state, and a whole host of other things. These things hold me back from having healthy relationships and a healthy self-image, and living a free and joyful life. They make me delicate in an unhealthy way.

When I read this quote, I'm inspired to throw off the chains of fear and hypersensitivity. I want to be like the Proverbs 31 woman: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs without fear of the future." I want to be so secure in God's love for me that I am no longer controlled by other's feelings. I want to put all my trust in God, and truly believe that He will take care of me, so I no longer have to be afraid.

I want these things so I can be "vast and brilliant." I want to be free to explore the full extent of who God has created me to be, experience this beautiful world He has made to its fullest potential, and receive and give love abundantly. I want to be free to learn and exist and dream and laugh and think and write and cry and grow. Obviously it is impossible for us to be completely free of sin and weakness. But in Christ, we have the incredible opportunity to acknowledge our weakness and still live a life of such freedom and joy that would be impossible otherwise.

This is my dream. I am so inadequate and fail so often. I am frail and weak. I am chained by sin, addiction, pain, and pride. I doubt God's love, I don't trust Him with everything, and I try in vain to be self-sufficient. But God can make me stronger, freer, more beautiful, and more glorious than I can dream. In Him, I am no longer delicate, but vast and brilliant.

Love,
Amanda